pretzels are good

helloooooooooooooooooo?????

2012-01-11T19:41:00.002-05:00

jessica???? :)

celebration of a birth....celebration of a life

2011-11-22T22:27:00.001-05:00

...I want to make sense but I probably won't.....it's been a roller coaster day....well, year really but I can't possibly write about the entire year....

my son turned 22 today....he worked a double shift, came home, changed into clothes that HE bought at macy's, and went out with friends....he's an adult. it's hard for me to accept my kids growing up.......life is speeding onward....I don't like it.

rapidly gaining momentum year by year, it makes me feel out of control.....like I'm missing something because I cannot possibly take it all in appropriately......life moves forward and eventually ends for people we love.........

......we had a graveside service today for my last grandparent. she was 93. good long life....still difficult to say good bye. as we stood in the driving rain under a rickety tent, my dad shared scripture and a couple stories. he said one thing that has stuck with me all day....."we gain more knowledge out of sorrow than we do from laughter....we learn and grow more out of pain than out of contentment" I'm sure it's based on a scripture...but sometimes certain scriptures come alive in different situations.....

......I ramble on......I miss having grandparents....I miss being a mom to a little boy....I cherish what those chapters of my life gave me.....time to put my energy into being who God wants me to be today......

.....not yesterday.....just today....

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life

2011-11-20T09:46:00.001-05:00

....so my last grandparent died yesterday.
Frances Christiansen....she was 93 years old.
just two weeks ago today i stood in her room and watched her play the piano.
i am sad for my mom. i am sad for my kids who didnt get a chance to know her better. she lived in florida most of her life and jus recently moved back to baltimore after her husband died.

it's the end of a long chapter of my life....the longest chapter....having grandparents.....grandparents who witnessed pretty much every modern invention become a part of our society....cars, tv, computers, cell phones....as well as stories from history that they lived through.....

unlike my grandfathers, both of my grandmas died from being old....their bodies just quit....what an amazing life. that god would give them more than 90 years to spend on earth.

rest in peace grandparents. see you in heaven....hopefully sometime after 2056....if god sees fit to bless me as he blessed you.

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it's been too long

2011-11-19T22:44:00.001-05:00

i miss blogging.
i miss what it does for me....the looking back....evidence in black & white that things have changed. for better or for worse....but always some sort of growth. i've been reading a lot of other blogs lately.....i'm realizing that i need to share more. God didn't allow all of THIS so we could sit around and ask why indefinitely.....

....and i cannot get all my thoughts into a status update or a tweet...and i'm much to lazy to use a pen to write in my journal, although i do miss that and may have to give it a whirl soon....

more later.....

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this is a product of my laziness...maybe i'll write something later

2011-09-23T06:30:00.001-04:00

#Bible http://j.mp/o1YHX4'>Quote for Fri September 23, 2011

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blogging

2011-09-21T16:41:00.001-04:00

....i miss blogging....i need to write more.....i have too much in my head for a tweet or an update....

...too bad i'm so lazy.....

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sooooo.....

2011-07-01T08:50:00.000-04:00

sometimes i'm embarrassed by the things i complain about.....i want to learn to shut up.

it's especially humbling when i have to eat my words. we went to salisbury university just under two weeks ago. it was freshman preview day. it was exciting, scary, sad, bittersweet....so many things for me, and i'm sure for emily as well. i felt old. i felt young. she and i sat in a few sessions, together and individually. we ate lunch. she chose her classes.

let me just say that she never doubted that she'd be there in the fall. i did.
she never thought about the money. i did.
she had faith. i did not.
about money.
and that disgusts me sometimes.

money is no bigger to god than keeping me breathing each day, and yet i make it bigger. i make it a bigger thing than most things. i want to let go of money.

after the last session we drove over to the financial aid office. walked in and were pleasantly greeted with a "how can i help you?" i asked if i could get the latest on her account....how much she had towards her 2011-12 school year.....the woman proceeded to write down each and every grant and scholarship emily had earned and then confirmed that she did in fact get the loan i was certain she would not get. :/

we will drop her off august 25.

god does what we cannot fathom or trust him to do.....he owns a cattle on a thousand hills. he knows the number of hairs on my head. yet i doubt him consistently.

i look forward to seeing what else he'll do........

homeless jesus

2011-04-19T22:54:00.001-04:00

I've come to know the Jesus that a lot of people don't know...I think. He is not the clean, pretty, dressed up, American-ized Jesus that resides in many churches on Sunday morning.....careful to say only what people like to hear...pleased with all the pretty outfits...comfy in a padded warm pew....
No. Mind you, this meeting for me...was not necessarily by choice but out of a dark place I threw myself into....
He is the homeless Jesus. The one who says and does things that aren't easy to hear....the one who wanders, stares me down and let's me know I've got it better than I think.... He is real.

I've seen the same homeless man a few times since I've arrived in OC. Don't ask me why it got me thinking of all this.....maybe because I'm tired of seeing people play church? Maybe because he is what church should be.

I don't care for Easter Sunday....in the sense that it's a day of dress up.....which I cannot afford to keep up with.....a day of hypocrisy....which I CAN compete with, but am trying to eliminate from my life....a day of candy and egg hunts....which I love & prefer over church but have been taught is sacrilege...

Sigh....Jesus has never been more real to me....and it's all happened since we stopped attending church regularly.....hmmmm.

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*proper punctuation

2011-04-05T18:49:00.000-04:00

don't like it. i don't think in normal sentences........thus...........i like all lower case because it looks better to me...and when i write.....i don't want rules. i think randomly.....i think a lot.

i don't stop....i have a lot on my mind.............................

i don't write it all down, but i'm thinking of it someday......

that's all.

where did i put my soap box.....????

2011-04-05T18:47:00.000-04:00

oh, here it is:
ready.
set.
go.

money. privilege. life. luck. disappointment. okay, i'll write in clearer sentences, but i will not use proper punctuation*.......

so, emily is planning on, bound and determined to, prayerfully anticipating...entering college in the fall. salisbury university to be precise.
emily is a stellar student. (let me brag) she currently has a 4.72 gpa. has never had anything but a's on her report card. has missed maybe 6 days of school in 4 years of high school. she is a part of national honor society. foreign language honor society. future educators of america. art honor society. has been a part of numerous community services based groups and events. has received many glowing letters of reference that have brought more than a couple of people to tears. (good tears)
she has received approximately $5,000 in grants/scholarships (roughly). she needs A LOT more.
another person she knows has more than what they need to go to school. not so great grades. not so many clubs. not as many volunteer hours. what's the catch? divorce. okay. i feel bad for the kid. i do. but seriously?? i don't think it's fair. i really don't. emily is penalized because her parents are married, and work.

it really gets me angry.

who do i complain to about this?

hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

2011-03-30T20:38:00.001-04:00

I like laughing.

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nietzsche and the ignorant christians....

2011-03-02T08:21:00.000-05:00

okay, so....i'm in a very cynical mood lately. i'm just tired of A LOT. it didn't help to see all the scathing remarks that "christian" people are putting up on twitter, facebook and other various weakling mediums to get their nasty messages out about rob bell's new book coming out... #RobBell site:twitter.com sigh.....

it got me thinking as to how easily led most christians can be.....how much most of them live in their own little christian-ese bubbles, half the time not even knowing why they believe what they believe.

i happened to read this frequently quoted statement on a friend's facebook page, "what doesn't kill us, only makes us stronger." first let me say that i've always believed that this was crap. i even blogged about it...

......what doesn't kill you, doesn't make you stronger, but teaches you to have your guard up...... monday nov. 7, 2005

anyhoo....i decided to look up the origin of that quote....whew....this is great, and i think the next time i see a christian quote it, particularly a "christian" who loves judging and bashing other people before really knowing them and understanding where they are coming from......i may just respond with the following link...

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Friedrich_Nietzsche

like i said, i'm a bit cynical lately....maybe tomorrow i'll be nicer....??

hmmmmm

2011-02-27T20:35:00.001-05:00

.....why does life feel so one way.....sometimes i just don't even want to try.

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quality over quanity

2011-02-25T05:11:00.001-05:00

...although it was KILLING me last night, i opted not to post, therefore ending my streak. 54 days. that's my record. that's pretty good.........for me........i'm not very consistent.....but i'm finally okay with the erratic, unpredictable behavior i have.....it's just who i am......thing is, my motives are pure and it's a wonderful peaceful thing to have a clean conscience. i try to do the right thing......put jesus first...then my family....then the people i see regularly....etc....i really try to make a difference......although i don't have much to offer, what i do offer is sincere.

which is why i'm finished with trying to post, every night.....just to say i "post every night".....

i COULD find something to say every night, but i have enough pressure in my life right now...................which is evident by the fact that i cannot get back to sleep and decided to post......sigh

TGIF

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kids

2011-02-23T19:01:00.001-05:00

.....i have bad days. specifically bad....generally bad....due to past issues....current issues....future issues....
....however, there is nothing like being cheered up by a kid....my own or the kids from school....
kids are honest....don't have walls up....don't pretend when they are insecure....adults kind of annoy me......ha
....i love kids....

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snow day

2011-02-22T13:37:00.001-05:00

i cleaned my closet out today.....found some clothes i haven't worn since ri....bittersweet. some things really seem like a dream and others feel like a nightmare. i just want to get to that looking back day....you know, the one where you see how it all fit together and made sense......what?? it's coming....lots of very strong christian people told me it is......
Ugh.....i wish i would have worked today....too much thinking....

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2011-02-21T16:16:00.001-05:00

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2011-02-21T16:14:00.001-05:00

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2011-02-21T16:13:00.001-05:00

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dc/georgetown/china town

2011-02-21T16:12:00.001-05:00

...had a fun day with the girls. it's really nice living so close to a lot of fun and free attraction type places.
more importantly it was fun just being in the car for what ended up being most of the day.....most of our visits to dc have been with other people, which is fine but it alters the dynamics of how our conversations flow......today it was quiet at times....and loud at times but we got to be together. and more and more, i'm realizing where my comfort zone is, and it's with my family. i'm pretty sure they feel the same way........

*sigh....as i type this they are bickering.....oh well..... :)

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drafts

2011-02-20T19:37:00.000-05:00

i looked at my drafts today.....i have A LOT of drafts which got me thinking about blogging. why do i blog? why do i facebook? why do i use twitter? i treat them all differently too, like i've got some kind of split social networking disease/personality disorder. i treat facebook like a lighthearted way to keep in touch with people, upload funny pics, share stories mostly about my family, my job and my quirky little anecdotes.....twitter is different because i know i don't have a lot of followers, so i vent there, share my more current personal short frustrations....which are sometimes about others.... :/

which brings me to blogging and drafting posts......other than a couple people that i know read my blog regularly....i don't know who my audience is, so therefore i feel more open, AH, but not THAT open apparently because i have many many drafts......who is this for anyway? who am i reaching out to or venting to? i wish god would post a comment.......i think i'm hoping someone will give me all the answers i need....empathize with me....tell me i'm normal....say they have the same problems.....say thanks, i needed to hear that.....some or all of the above i suppose...............

i think all these social networking sites are just a sign of how lonely people really are. of how much people need people, but ironically i feel at times, we are more divided and alone because of facebooking, blogging, tweeting, texting...etc........i long for the old days when i was on my phone for an hour at a time talking to a friend....or i received a random card in the mail from someone.....or someone stopped by for a quick visit. we've become too fast paced because of our instant technology....yet....i am hopelessly attached to all of it.

i hope i can post my drafts someday.....but that would make me vulnerable, so for now i'll just post my edited versions here, and my happy random updates about wedding shows with my girls and funny things first graders do, on facebook, and my encrypted frustrations about people on twitter.....sigh.......

saturday....edited....

2011-02-19T17:14:00.002-05:00

i love the weekend....i wish i could think of something great to post about.....

so, here it is, almost 10 pm now.....i wrote that above comment earlier today, before we spontaneously decided to go see the justin bieber movie.....

as i sat there with my girls and their friends, i realized that people just want to be happy. whether it's a momentary good feeling happy, or long term happiness.....that's what life comes down to happiness. between the smiles on my girls faces, and watching the screaming fans in the movie.....i thought about happiness.

there were a couple scenes that showed justin's mom, grandma and grandpa...beaming with pride. he's close to all three......tears in their eyes as they watched him perform. i watched gwen perform thursday night, and i can relate to that pride. i cannot imagine what it would be like to see my child on a stage with screaming fans at their feet, but i can understand the happiness someone feels when they watch another person doing something they love and are good at.......

i just want my kids to have happiness. if i could go get justin bieber and bring him here i would. moms are weird like that.

i know this may all sound shallow....but aside from our contentment coming from god himself first....we need to be honest and admit that things in this life, on this planet are going to bring us some momentary happiness....and for 104 minutes tonight, i got to escape reality...with my girls, their friends and a 16 year old from canada......

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laughter......

2011-02-18T17:47:00.001-05:00

....there's nothing like hearing my girls laughing and fooling around....with each other....with their friends.....to be carefree like that....i wish i could shut out reality and be more carefree.

i'm a blessed mom.

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talent night at the middle school

2011-02-17T18:00:00.001-05:00

gwen is singing.
in the middle of the schedule of events.
during what we were just informed will be two hours long.

i will refrain from further comments.

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safe

2011-02-16T20:48:00.001-05:00

....as insecure i can tend to get about certain things in our day to day life, i am so very thankful that i feel safe. safe with dale. safe when i'm home with my family. just safe. i was thinking about the next few years....it's going to be tough....but then i thought about feeling safe. now. five years ago i did not feel safe. i was scared about everything. worried about everything.
......and here we are. safe. from what? i don't know....but i just feel safe. strangely content. happy. peaceful. not a whole lot has changed either.....that's growth i suppose....

anyway.....i am liking how god has comforted me.....and the icing on the cake is having a husband and kids who make my life complete.

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cheetos

2011-02-15T19:01:00.000-05:00

...there are a lot of homeless kids that attend the school where i work. by homeless, it most often means that they do not have a home of their own, but do have a place to live. most of them live with family members or friends. some live in shelters.

it's sad.....obviously. especially the ones who really try hard to be "normal"....of course there are some who are a product of their environment, ie parents, (usually one parent actually) ....it can be frustrating, sad, annoying, confusing....so many emotions....for the children, but also for the staff i work with. many come to school once or twice a week, and if they bring their notebooks & homework it's a miracle. many get bussed in from the city, or shelters. some have long drives. some come by taxi.

there is one student, i'll call them "chris".....this student is one of the sweetest students in the school. rarely complains. always smiles. shares supplies with others (supplies that the school gives to them).....i know that chris's living conditions are very humble. very. one room to be exact.....for 4 people. chris wears the same little fleece jacket every day, but it's clean. i noticed one day that chris had a t-shirt on with another name on the back of it.....a dead giveaway that some kind soul had given clothes to the family.

every morning chris runs up to me and hugs me. every afternoon chris tells me thank you for helping. chris is a child. for the life of me i cannot fathom how a child with next to nothing has the presence of mind to ask how my day is on a consistent basis....i mean, aren't ALL children inherently selfish. ;)

anyway, so yesterday was valentine's day. i was in chris's classroom as things were being passed out. snacks, goodies, cards and candy. chris had a plate on his/her desk....sitting there. all the kids were inhaling food faster than it could be handed out. not chris.

chris walked over to me and said, "mrs. swinburne, take some cheetos." i declined. chris insisted. so i took one. chris then grabbed a chocolate bar out of the bag of valentine's he/she had received, and handed it to me. i declined. chris insisted. i'm almost tearing up at this point. then chris came to me and said, "can you give me a ziploc bag, so i can take home the rest of my cheetos for later?" i went and got the ziploc bag, and helped her put her 8-10 cheetos in the bag, while i watched many other students throw theirs away. i got my daily hug, and a "thanks for helping."

i need to be more like chris.

feb 14......

2011-02-14T21:13:00.001-05:00

Love is.......
...a hardworking husband
....a date right in my own bedroom
....a smile at the end of a hard day
.....grateful kids
.....simplicity
....and a lot of other stuff but i'm trying to enjoy a movie w/my honey.....so.....buh bye...

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love is pain

2011-02-13T18:24:00.000-05:00

"Why love, if losing hurts so much? I have no answers anymore: only the life I have lived. Twice in that life I've been given the choice: as a boy and as a man. The boy chose safety, the man chooses suffering. The pain now is part of the happiness then. That's the deal."

cs lewis

i'm really not a cynic....i just am at the point in life where i've been exposed to many facets of love....some i welcome, some out of necessity, some came naturally.......i really don't think people understand love and therefore i continue to hear news of relationships breaking up.....

love and like should go hand in hand in a relationship.....they don't always....and i suppose sometimes we deeply love those that we strongly dislike......life is pain. love is pain. is the risk worth it?? i think it makes us stronger people....loving others. being selfless. it makes us like christ.

sometimes when we go through situations that turn us inside out and make us vulnerable....we are able to love others more. we are able to empathize with the pain people suffer. not that it's something we strive towards......being turned inside out.....but more often than not, it does make us more.....more something.....

just more...i suppose....

valentine's eve eve

2011-02-12T20:29:00.001-05:00

.....maybe it should be renamed "hallmark-buy-a lot-of-chocolate-day"....or something like that?
...eh, i love pink and red so i kind of like the girly feel of it....and i love candy....but honestly, special gifts and cards and dates mean so much more when they happen randomly....they really do....
not to mention the fact that romantic love just skims the surface....real love happens when you've been to hell & back~together~and are still holding hands when walk you out of the fire....or after you've climbed back up from rock bottom and have taken turns giving each other a boost.....there are no flowers or candy in those places......just real love.
.....it feels good to know true love.....

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parenting 101

2011-02-11T20:55:00.001-05:00

i wish there really was such a class......

i just don't know how to do it sometimes. one of the most difficult things to deal with (for me) is seeing one of my kids struggling, sad, discouraged, angry, hurting...etc....i want to make it right. i want to fix it. second to that is hearing one of my kids say "you don't like me." now, i know she (shocker it's one of my daughters) doesn't mean it....but i still want to get to the bottom of it....turns out, she thinks i never punish the others and that i favor certain kids over her......sigh.....i suppose that's something that i cannot really objectively figure out if i'm really doing. i try and try to be "equal", but with so many personalities, ages and issues....i often wonder if i'm fair....i know for sure that i'm not consistent, so you'd think that would favor their side....just the fact that i KNOW i do not discipline like i really should or as often as necessary....i do more yelling than anything. my kids have come to think that getting yelled at is getting punished....sad. is it too late? am i a failure? sometimes i feel like more of a failure in a lot of areas than a success by any means. there are no answers....

so i did what any neurotic mom would do. i called a family meeting. ugh....i'm a dork. i figured if i had the one confront the others about what was bothering her, it would fix everything. until i realized the other three disagreed and then it was three against one.......ugh. what can i say, the peacemaker in me will never die. it's who i am. yet i still feel like nothing was resolved. i will pray that some sort of tiny seed was planted in each one of them tonight....that at the very least they'll see that i was trying. trying to create peace. trying to show each of them how different they are, and to embrace the differences. oh, and yes, i told them that they are the best friends each of them will ever have....and as corny and cliche as that sounds, i hope they take it to heart and look back and remember this night as "the night mom tried to fix everything".....again.....sigh.......

this is so hard, and after 21+ years of being a mom, i still cry about how helpless i feel sometimes........maybe i'll be the perfect grandma......

family

2011-02-10T20:32:00.001-05:00

beautiful, funny, unique, caring, helpful, exasperating, encouraging, silly, secure, comforting, fun, loving, devoted, christ-like, selfless......

So much more.

These are just a few ways i can describe ny husband and children....they've been a constant in my life and i'm so thankful for how they've stood by me.....i don't have a lot by the world's standards but i am so rich....really rich.....

They just make me really happy....that's what prompted this.....

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dreaming

2011-02-09T20:06:00.000-05:00

i'll admit, i do not like dreaming....like the kind when you sleep....(i'm pretty good at daydreaming, and quite like it)....i had a dream last night that disturbed my sleep. when i sleep, i want to sleep. i don't want to watch some movie starring me.........i just don't. this dream was really weird too........senseless.......why can't dreams be prophesies.....or answers to prayers that are on their way???? to give us a little hope??

i fall asleep praying a lot and feel like my dreams should be peaceful because of that.....isn't that a fair trade off? fall asleep talking to god....have peaceful sleep. no dreams. i want to sleep and then wake up rested....

i'm tired today......i wish we didn't have to get up at 4:45 tomorrow....i don't like it.

two days til friday........what a dumb blog post.......

starbucks, target and girl talk

2011-02-08T21:58:00.001-05:00

Yeah......that was my night.....well driving the girls back and forth all over columbia for their bible studies....picking up their friends...dropping off.....and in between.....starbucks, target and girl talk with deanna.....good times......especially the part where gwen's friend from school said she wants to go back.....

i'm exhausted 4:30 am til 10pm makes for a long day.....man i wish there was snow in the forecast tomorrow.......

Nighty night.....

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self control and the 10 year old

2011-02-07T19:31:00.001-05:00

.....audrey asked me if she could buy a coloring book while we were in cvs today. she was, and still is, on cloud nine because she got 100% on a math test....her first 100% on a math test since probably second grade when she was moved into gifted and talented math.
....anyway....my policy...kind of a secret policy...is when my girls want anything old fashioned and/or creative...i will get it (within reason)......so we get home, do homework, eat, clean up and she breaks out the coloring book...but not before she hands me the above picture....she tells me to lock all the disney and nickelodeon channels.....she wants to take a break from them. and also wants to know if on demand can be locked. :)

.....it's amazing what a little less technology and tv can do in your family....(our computer died and ever since it did, we've been much more organized and productive).....

it was a pretty decent day...(well, em had a tough day actually and that made me sad)....girls made honor roll....helped out a lot....i had a couple simple prayers answered and i'm feeling content for the moment....ha

.....ahhhhh....i will NOT miss zac & cody.....:)

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superbowl 45

2011-02-06T22:17:00.000-05:00

great fun and food with friends.....boring game...maybe because i really couldn't care less about either team. i just wish the superbowl wasn't played on a sunday night...don't they realize that most of the world has real jobs that don't pay millions of dollars to do something we really love doing?

sigh........

john 3:17

2011-02-05T17:42:00.001-05:00

....if i was going to the superbowl, i would hold that up.
.......okay, i actually wouldn't....but don't those people that hold up john 3:16 realize that people take it for granted? i would almost venture to say....well, i will say....that it's almost as much of an impact as "d-fense" or "hi mom"....maybe that sounds sacreligious but i wish people would be more creative. christian people in particular....not that i'm a super witnessing missional christian but i think sometimes those john 3:16 placard holding christians are more concerned about getting brownie points with god and other christians than really winning others to christ.

i just don't know what is the best way to share the gospel sometimes.....maybe the john 3:16 sign works??

i thought about posing a question on my facebook regarding this...hoping my friends who are not from my christian circles would give me insight.....but sadly i realized that if i did that the christian-ese would take over and scare people away.....

i'm a little cynical, no?

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tgif

2011-02-04T20:14:00.001-05:00

this is yet another post..."just to post"....lame. i know....

i'm too tired to think...i'm posting from my phone....in line at walgreens drive through.....waiting....for ten minutes now....eh, it's better than waiting inside i suppose?

wish i brought coffee......

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my crazy family.......

2011-02-03T18:07:00.001-05:00

this was just after a wrestling match between the girls....lots of laughing....all six of us just hanging out....talking....laughing....doing homework.....stuff.....

home sweet home

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groundhog day

2011-02-02T19:54:00.001-05:00

who came up with it? why do people fall for it?

uh yeah, i can't think of what to write......

oh...i was really dizzy all day and got to thinking....i wonder if i have a tapeworm? ew....well....it's because i was dizzy, felt really weird, nauseous, sort of hungry yet nothing satisfied me....

huh, maybe i just need a snickers.......

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when prayers become wishes

2011-02-01T15:25:00.000-05:00

yeah. i said it. prayers/wishes.....aren't they kind of the same? i mean, lately i feel like i'm wishing.....wishing because i don't know if i'm praying the "right" thing....asking in the "right" way.....or if i should even be asking at all....

i recently read an article in relevant magazine about prayer. one thing that stuck out was this.....try to pray without saying "i pray....blah blah blah".....it's hard. it's pretty much like saying, i want or i hope or i ask....not that it's a bad thing, but i started to feel like my praying was my list of requests too much. of course there are plenty of things i do want, mostly for others at this point in my life (guilt will do that to you)....but i truly want a better and more content existence for those i love.....life isn't fair....it ISN'T!!!! why is it fair that my husband has a jerk for a boss? i know his work ethic. it isn't fair.

i've been praying/wishing/asking/hoping that things would change....lots of things....some have....most haven't....i don't know how to pray anymore. is there a point to praying anymore? should i just say to god, "i'm done asking." i mean, he does know already.

what's the difference between praying and wishing? i found out this week. yes, i'm frustrated with unanswered prayers. VERY FRUSTRATED. (why am i smelling paint right now.....ugh)
anyway.....i started praying this week and consciously tried to leave out "i pray" or anything like that....i found myself being forced to give thanks more....and just be quiet....focus on god.

he knows what we need. as much as it hurts to see people i love struggling.....he sees it too, and i am pretty sure he's got a plan. yeah, i'll still ask for things....but for some reason, i have a lot more faith when i take time to thank him for the part of his plan that he's already unfolded....i don't always like waiting. um, i don't like the waiting.....but i think it's part of his plan...........

1/31/11

2011-01-31T18:36:00.001-05:00

....well....i made it a straight month.
i'm actually quit proud of myself because i'm not disciplined....at all. like, pathetically undisciplined.
....i want a cat....the girls want a cat. they have decided to keep the house immaculate so that they can prove their discipline. they are better at it than i am.......the first floor of the house has been really nice for a long time. i don't know if we'll get a cat. but i really like it like this.
i cannot seem to get any coherent thinking down.....that's me i suppose. undisciplined. inconsistent. slightly lazy. unorganized. over thinking....i suppose it explains why i like extended ellipses......i never stop thinking......i think to much. not like smart, intellectual thinking....rambling, chain reaction thinking......and i write to get it out.....i write to hope someone will get me? i write to hope someone will know there's other people who have a lot of junk in their head..........

i have as many drafts as posts...........maybe those are the real me?

i need some coffee........

one twelth of 2011 is gone. i give it a "C"......better than failure...hoping for at least a "B" for feb....however know that is a lot to expect for the shortest month of the year......let's hope i'm wrong.

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church

2011-01-30T13:06:00.001-05:00

we went there.
.....church is interesting. why do people go? i'm going to get up the nerve and ask that on fb sometime....but the trick will be getting some people to respond without all their christian-ese....
i really want to know why people go.

it was nice to sit still for an hour.....even if a lot of the time was spent making a mental to-do list for the week......

i wonder what would define the perfect church.....i wonder.....

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leadership collective

2011-01-29T19:30:00.001-05:00

i decided to attend today so i could hear dale speak. as expected he did not disappoint.....this i know because i could see the people on the edge of their seats....hanging on every word he spoke. i teared up at one point because i miss seeing him in his element.
it was wonderful.
what was even more rewarding.....seeing people line up to prod his brain after he finished....questions...comments, even people asking him if he'd speak at their places of work.
it was surreal at times....i love hearing him speak....i hope it's just the beginning of a new beginning......

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ready for change

2011-01-28T09:48:00.000-05:00

so tonight and tomorrow dale is taking part in a leadership conference at "our church".....(the quotes are because if and when we go to church, it's this one)....i'm an optimist. maybe i'm unrealistic? but i'm really hoping and praying that something great will take place at this event, for him.....um, for everyone of course.....but i'm really hoping he feels like this can be an avenue to finding a better job. yeah....did i say i'm an optimist? why not? there will be lots of people there, i think? i'm hoping someone there will say to themselves "why is this guy in construction?"......ah, this is where dale comes in.....i really hope he finds a way to drops seeds tonight....i want him to make it known that construction is NOT his greatest strength...although, most things that dale puts his hand too, end up being a strength.....i remember him telling me once that he wanted to learn how to play piano....i panicked because i knew ultimately, he'd be better than me...(not that i'm that good or anything anyway)

so......whoever the two or three people are that read this blog.....i don't even know if you are the praying type but i REEEEEEEEEEEEAAALLLYYYYYYYYYYYYYY want this for him. i want a new career path for him. i want those connections made for him tonight and tomorrow. i'm just so tired of seeing him drained from a job that gives him no satisfaction or purpose. it's time.

http://www.gcchoco.org/LeadershipCollectiveRegistration/tabid/156/Default.aspx

snow day number two

2011-01-27T19:02:00.001-05:00

I shoveled today.
I had four cups of coffee.
I watched "Chuck".

I kind of miss work.........

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snow day

2011-01-26T17:08:00.001-05:00

Sleeping in....extra coffee...too many cookies....home made mac and cheese(for LUNCH!)....fresh sheets on the bed....clean bathroom closet....hearty shepherds pie for dinner....watched the girls build a snowman, with arms.....too much facebooking....two long phone calls....6 emails to friends & family.....clean kitchen....

all that's missing is dale having a job where he gets snow days too..................

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the lost art of talking

2011-01-25T19:50:00.001-05:00

I just talked to a friend from work.....on the phone....for almost an hour.....i need to do that more......it's better than texting, email, facebook or any other electronic communication.

That's all for tonight.....

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my daughters

2011-01-24T18:04:00.001-05:00

I had to work today but the kids were off....professional development...ha ha....i don't feel like i developed any further....anyway....emily dropped me off so she could take gwen and audrey to the park (yes, it was cold out....11 degrees)....so off we went in our separate directions.....she took them out to eat, to the park and then a little while later she texted me to ask if they could go to big lots. I said sure......not really knowing what they would do there because i know emily is low on money (in fact she is selling her itouch so she can travel to rhode island) i digress.....so fast forward....it's four o'clock.....they are at school on time to get me and unusually compatible, and giddy as well......we pull up to the house and they tell me to let them run in ahead of me. So gwen and i walk in, she's got her arm around me and i can tell they are all proud of something.
I'm actually getting a little excited during the brief walk from the car to the house.......i walk in to lots of "ta dahs".....now i had asked them to straighten up but this was amazing. they not only cleaned but also bought things to make the house just a little bit homier.....they organized....decluttered....put up pictures and all in all made my day and i'm sure my week......
my kids make me proud just because of who they are but it's a wonderful thing when your children go out of their way to give you joy. i may have had a professional development day today at work, but all those people with their degrees, masters and doctorates cannot hold a candle to what my children will add to my life......

....and now.....i'm off to clean the dinner mess......i gave them the night off....

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arrrrghhhhhhh! ugh!

2011-01-23T17:08:00.001-05:00

i just typed a long post and it said error after i posted it from my phone.
grrrrrr.

i'll share it tomorrow.......i'm annoyed now.

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ah saturdays.....

2011-01-22T17:51:00.001-05:00

...woke up to dale handing me fresh coffee....costco trip....didn't over spend....cozy house on a bitter cold day....bourne marathon....

Yeah.....i like it....aint got nuttin else to say.

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soooooo.....

2011-01-21T18:16:00.001-05:00

I went on facebook and posted....updated....accepted friends...ok, so i did miss facebook......i am social, what can i say.

I did however, almost, forget to blog.

I'm overjoyed that it is Friday.....i don't feel like i have the right to complain about being tired this week though because between mlk day, a snow day and two days with delays....i worked a grand total of 18 hours out of a normal 35....but i am tired nevertheless....things that drain me mentally, take their toll physically i think and with all the down time this week, i dwelt on too much.

time to put worry to rest....let go of things out of my control and really try to trust god...give him all of me and i'm sure he'll take care of us......ok, deep down i'm not sure.....there is doubt, or maybe i should call it impatience? i think my worry is more about his timing. i do have faith that i'll look back and say "wow, he did take care of us." ......i'm just not so thrilled about his timing.....

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leaving and waiting to arrive

2011-01-20T16:38:00.001-05:00

we left rhode island exactly five years ago today. i still tear up when i think of that day and the preceeding days and weeks and months...it will never be an easy thing to think about no matter how great things may get here....i miss our unique home....i miss the innocence and perfection we were deceptively living in.....some things feel more real of course, but many things have become raw..............too real......kind of like how scars really feel....you can see them, but they are covered with sensitive skin....constant reminders that something happened.....visually and physically.....

i know a lot of my posts are about all THAT stuff.....it's just there....it all still makes me feel like the wind got knocked out of me. i hate it.

five years since we drove away. five years. may this day mark the beginning of new and great things for the swinburnes. i need it to become a better anniversary of sorts......or something....

boo to marking bad anniversaries....boo.

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back to the mask thing....

2011-01-19T19:07:00.001-05:00

...first of all, my train of thought is not so great when i'm entering my posts on my tiny android keyboard....just not the same. i may have to steal the computer from audrey and hope i'm not too tempted to play bejeweled.....not that it's a bad thing...but at this point i'm trying to see how long i can be facebookless....ha ha

so masks of transparency....i just got to thinking recently....after chatting with yet another friend who is going through a marriage breakup....i was thinking....sometimes, people who are the most willing to share bits and pieces of their lives, in order to appear as open books...are often the ones who are hurting the most and burying it the deepest. i say this from experience. been there done that.....i have pin pointed and singled out a few friends recently....asking them point blank if they are "ok".....asking in a way where they knew i meant it. asking in a way where they knew i was ready for honesty.......then the masks came off.....the masks of transparency.....the masks i could see through because i led (past tense) a life of pretending.

i've prayed for a long time that god would use me. that he'd take the baggage, the crap, the history, the masks......and allow it all to make sense somehow....is it worth it?? .....to have the scars...so to speak...of hitting my own personal rock bottom and to have dragged my family along to hit head first and break the impact of my fall.....MEAN SOMETHING TO OTHERS?? is that fair? i don't know. i don't have the answers and this isn't even what i was going to originally write.....dumb android slowing my thoughts down....

anyway......for what it's worth....i still hope i can say something....see through the masks of those who are hurting around me....because sadly, many in religious circles have grown fond of masks...on others and on themselves.....it's easier to pretend to be what the status quo dictates we should be.....tough, resilient, "fine", oblivious....etc....

i'm not finished....my battery is dying and my eyes hurt........

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ice day

2011-01-18T17:09:00.001-05:00

.....aka no school....it's always bittersweet when we have snow days because i have to say good-bye to dale. he had to leave today in the crappy weather....snow/sleet/ice mess....he had to work twenty feet up on a ladder that was set up on an icy sidewalk.
i really get angry when i realize what he's had to put up with*......i have been faithfully praying that he'd get a break, a better opportunity, a job he loves....even mildly likes at this point....why did i somehow get blessed with a job i love?

favor.....please pray for dale. maybe i'm not doing it right? cause i just don't understand why he has had to work for one loser after the next....five years running now.....check that....more than five years if i get my math right.....yep. more than five.....

*yeah.....i get angry about it. ALL of it.

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kettle corn, dr pepper and toby mac

2011-01-17T16:12:00.001-05:00

....these are a few of my favorite things.
...i had a lot of the first two today and enough of the third to get me moving after a weekend of feeling like crap...and as i predicted........i'm starting to feel better just as my three day weekend is coming to a close.... :/

I spent a good chunk of my sleeping in time today praying and thinking.....i asked god to help me through this day....take away my sadness and help me focus on others more.....i miss my grandma...my first momentary thought today, having a day off was "oh, i'll go see grandma......."......i'm rambling, i know....but it's just been hard knowing she's not sitting in her little recliner saying a daily prayer for me, thinking of me.....it's hard not knowing if there's someone "out there" who "has my back"....spiritually, emotionally......

.....think i need some coffee....haven't had any yet today....i'm gonna put it in my grandma mug......

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friends or not

2011-01-16T13:42:00.001-05:00

yesterday i did a lot of errand running....most of it i had emily and gwen with me...we got to talking about friends. actually.....it was more about the lack of close friends and the abundance of aquaintances. sometimes....when you have a lot of aquaintances it can almost be a little deceiving at times....like you've got lots of people to depend on....lots of people who care.....i appreciate how close we are as a family....and value the fact that my girls are selective about who they confide in, who they "follow", who they call their best friends....if anyone....it's bittersweet actually because i think the crap our family has been through has given each of us a unique ability to see through people. of course i'd change a lot of things if i could but i am so thankful that my kids are wise about who they call their friends.......

*note to self: don't write about friendship when you are having an emotionally down week........so glad i just deleted the paragraph i just wrote......sigh.....i guess the good weeks wouldn't be "the good weeks" without crappy weeks to compare them to??

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purple vs yellow

2011-01-15T16:44:00.001-05:00

This town has gone crazy......go steelers. He he

My blog posts have turned into "updates" because I am on a fb hiatus....I'm pathetic.

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tgif

2011-01-14T18:15:00.001-05:00

That's all.

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stress

2011-01-13T20:45:00.001-05:00

I don't like it. I just want my brain to turn off sometimes.....

Can't think. Can't write. Must not break 13 day streak of blogging. Will post something ridiculous.

There. I did.

Transparent masks....coming soon.

Tgif....almost.....

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mask of transparency......

2011-01-12T17:27:00.001-05:00

Yeah......i'm going to write about that....how super transparent/wear my heart on my sleeve/what you see is what you get...kind of people....are sometimes the ones who wear the most complicated masks and have some of thickest walls........

More to come.......

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aaahhhhhh

2011-01-11T18:19:00.001-05:00

I love love love from 4:30 until bedtime at home with my family.

Love it.

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one one one one one one one one one

2011-01-11T11:10:00.001-05:00

Couldn't resist.........and yes....same post (maybe more exciting content) .....in ten months.....he he

Oh and i'm a little turned off by the fact that my mobile blogger droid mispelled separated......sheesh...

Oh another thing.....we have a one hour early dismissal today for the impending snow....ha ha.....that's so southern.....

One more thing......why is it that i really crave chocolate and/or chips when i have no money in my purse for the vending machine??

Yes....i'm supposed to be working.

Happy lots of ones day........he he.....it's the simple things.....

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it's raining men

2011-01-10T20:38:00.001-05:00

......so, i'm having a technology fast.....well, it started out as technology and then i decided it would just be facebook and my smart phone (which i am way too addicted to).....i feel as though tv and the wii are not vices for me (yet) so i will allow myself those things in small increments of time....only after i've done productive things at home after work. we'll see how i do.....i already feel a weird sort of guilt because i'm abandoning my scrabble partner, and cousin stephanie....she's already emailed me to tell me it's been 19 hours since my last turn...... :/
So....i just need to do this to prove that i can....my will power is horrendous. i mean, it's made great leaps and bounds in some areas but in the insignificant areas....it stinks. are there insignificant areas of will power? if we can control ourselves in the tiny areas why can't we in the big areas? or vice versa in my case....weird.
so as i said i'm not giving up the wii....and here's why....one of my "areas" is exercise.....the girls are currently dancing to "it's raining men" on the wii....yeah....and just so ya know....that is what prompted me to write this post.........

here goes.......i made it one whole day without facebook or angry birds or excessive texting.......i think i'll shoot for two.

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hi jessica

2011-01-09T15:34:00.001-05:00

Thanks for keeping up with my life........ :)

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13

2011-01-08T20:25:00.000-05:00

gwen had her friend birthday today.......13 year old girls are cute. :)

i can't believe i have another teen-aged girl...wow time flies. i'm so proud of who she is and the character she has. it's so hard for kids these days.....yet gwen always stands her ground and does what is right. i'm not saying it's without tears, or humiliation at times, but she still stands up for what is right and tries to be an example to her friends......

i'm hoping and praying that i'll be saying these same words when she hits all the other milestone birthdays....16, 18, 21, 30, etc......

hmmmm....

2011-01-07T18:53:00.000-05:00

i wish i had something notable to say. i don't.

i think my favorite part of the day was when emily took audrey and gwen with her and i got to do my shopping in peace. i wish i could say the same for when they do the dishes together..... :/

how much sibling bickering is normal..........??? sigh......

almost finished.....

2011-01-06T19:27:00.001-05:00

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it's contagious.....

2011-01-06T19:23:00.001-05:00

I'm buying more puzzles......

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this is the life....

2011-01-06T19:12:00.001-05:00

.....all i can hear is the dishwasher swishing and my fish tank bubbling.....no tv....no wii...no music....just peaceful. Everyone just happens to be lost in something......
.....we took all the Christmas stuff down today......and now i'm sitting in a cozy clean living room watching audrey put a puzzle together.....there's just something about being simple (as i sit here typing a blog post on my phone)......i want things to be simpler. I want my kids to watch less tv....be on the computer less....write letters.....play with toys....color......i guess i just don't want them to grow up. It all happens too fast. .........maybe i'll institute a "little house on the prairie day" each week.....ha.

......i guess i need to start with me....time to sign off.....

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gwen

2011-01-05T18:52:00.001-05:00

.....is 13 today
.....is a sweet, caring, compassionate child and always has been since she could speak
.....loves to make her family laugh
.....won't gossip
.....has a beautiful smile
.....is a packrat
.....sings like an angel
.....won't settle for second best
.....asked for homemade pizza for her birthday dinner
.....tends to be loud when she talks
.....loves soccer
.....hates soda
.....says "i love you" to each of us at least 4 times a day
.....has a quirky bedtime routine with audrey
.....is sincerely sorry when she needs to be
.....not really into cleaning
.....is my daughter and has made me a proud mom.

Love you gwyneth lacey

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senseless argument #1

2011-01-04T18:15:00.000-05:00

this takes the cake.

the lottery is up to $330,000,000. my family was arguing on what we'd spend it on.

i'm convinced we will never win. sigh....

umbrella

2011-01-03T18:20:00.000-05:00

i decided that i was going to blog every day this year. or at least try. :/

sadly. i feel like i do not have anything to write about. i got up. got ready for work....oh, the highlight of my morning was that i finally remembered to program our coffee maker, so i had coffee ready for dale to take to work, and some nice and hot for me as well....except that i didn't get mine until almost two hours after he left so the machine had turned off....hmmmm. it was still hot.....wow this is really dumb.

so....i went to work. it was an uneventful day. oh, a kid told me his step mom is rihanna. hmmmmm. i think she's the girl who sings "under my umbrella-ella-ella-ay-ay-ay...." yeah....i don't believe him of course. hmmm, that reminds me that i wanted to ask for a huge umbrella for christmas because the one i use at school to see the walker/car rider kids to their parents is really tiny. maybe i'll see if they are on sale.....wait, umbrellas probably never go on sale. weird.

weird monday. christmas holiday over. maybe tomorrow i'll have something interesting to write.....ella ella ay ay ay.......yeah, it's stuck in my head now......

journaling

2011-01-02T16:57:00.000-05:00

sometimes i don't realize the value of journaling.(journaling isn't a word? well, i'm making it one.) a written record of....life. thoughts. hopes. disappointments. trivialities. it's a good thing to do it. it's a good thing to go back and read. for me at least.

so, i found a tiny spiral notebook in a little end table that was my grandmas that is now mine. it is a journal of a trip she took many years ago. i remember her asking me to read it to her when her eyesight started to go. she loved to read.....that was one of the things that was so sad as she started really going downhill physically....anyway.....all those times i read that to her, i never noticed that if i had flipped it over and read the back of the last page i would have found her notes on sleeping arrangements she had for a bunch of us....she had a bunch of names listed and locations where we would each sleep...during one of our many visits....

it may seem petty. but to me, it meant the world to have that in writing.....she gave and gave and gave. she has inspired me to be a giver. i want 2011 to be a year of giving for me.....time, money, hospitality, food, whatever....i really want opportunities to give.

so yeah.....i'm still thinking about her a lot.....i guess i always will.

one one one one with my number one

2011-01-01T22:05:00.000-05:00

new years day
starbucks. barnes and noble. dale. kids laughing and dancing. clean house.
just a few highlights of an awesome day.

i love my family. looking forward to what i truly believe is going to be an amazing year.....

the hope within me is bursting to get out.....

movie time with my number one.

thinking...

2010-12-30T11:16:00.000-05:00

i had too much caffeine yesterday. well, not too much......i just hadn't had any since sunday and my body had to readjust....meaning, i was wide awake for a while after i went to bed....thoughts spinning. the chain reaction of thoughts that race through my head is so amazing sometimes.........it's a bit annoying because sometimes i want to go back to the first thought and dwell on it a bit and i'm already on the fourteenth thought...........ah, i digress...

anyway, i got to thinking about christians. yeah. christians. i have a lot of guilt sometimes because we do not go to church faithfully....or at all....audrey is being raised churchless....whereas dale and emily went to church faithfully for quite a while, and gwen did for a couple years???? this weighs on me. but why???

guilt? who knows? it made start thinking about what i like about NOT going to church too........most of the people who want to know about jesus...are not attending church. i've gotten to share little bits and pieces of my beliefs with those people.....i haven't led any of them in the abc's of salvation or taken them down the romans road yet....but they know a little bit about what it means to be a christian at least....yeah, that guilt weighs on me too.....the whole sinner's prayer thing....or lack of sharing it...

when i think of christians attending church........i picture a race (this is the part that was racing through my head the most last night).....a race where they are each in a car or they are a car (the analogy is a bit fuzzy)....and jesus is at the head of the pack....they are all following him, not looking back....racing after him....trying to catch up to him......looking the best in their fancy cars......all separate from each other.....trying to out do each other....................................................then i think of the christianity that i'm trying to emulate so others will want to be a part of it......................this time i picture a hayride.........jesus is driving a tractor...with a huge wagon flatbed type thing on the back....huge.........i'm on it....sitting so i can see jesus but so i can also see the people behind me in the field...........they aren't on the tractor bed yet........jesus isn't driving fast.....he wants people to be able to hop on.............i can hold my arm out and if someone wants to hop on i can pull them on because we aren't in a race.....we aren't competing with each other............i just want the people to hop on with us because it's a wonderful ride.

anyway.............

two weeks

2010-12-24T11:26:00.000-05:00

wow what a couple of weeks can bring you through.....on december 11 i lost my grandma. something that has overshadowed the days leading up to tomorrow. christmas day. it's a tough thing when so many memories of my grandma are around christmas. i don't know when i'll be able to listen to "white christmas" by bing crosby again....maybe next year? i don't know...seeing that each and every christmas will now be a reminder of when she went to heaven.....it's a tough thing to pull christmas cards and sympathy cards out of the mailbox at the same time.....how am i supposed to process that? i still have trouble.....is saying "still" a little premature? it's only been two weeks. someone told me to move on, and have joy ...it that a little premature?.......

in these past two weeks i and my family have been on the receiving end of an incredible amount of generosity....to deal with our grieving, to have a happy christmas....like, incredible. like, feeling undeserving incredible..... i have been humbled beyond belief at the comments that have come along with the gestures of people i work with. people who don't profess to follow jesus. i want to be able to give in that capacity. i wanted to turn around and give more than we received....i pray that i can and will......i have not been able to process what to do with all the kind things that people have said about me....about who i am as a person....honestly, i don't get it....what do i do that's so special??? it's very humbling especially when i feel as though i just smile and am nice to people....is that enough? is that all people need?? that i would smile and be kind.....and occasionally do something tangible (not enough in my opinion) that it would be enough to have people treat me in this way.

i want to claim, and believe that every good thing in me comes from god and grandma.....is that wrong??

i am blessed beyond what i would ever expect...being an imperfect person.....a wife and mother who never feels like she lives up to what her family deserves.....i cannot fathom how god decides why or when we should be blessed with anything, tangible or not...........i pray that he would touch the lives of so many around me as he has touched mine.........with an amazing husband and kids who love me unconditionally.....with friends who look up to me and respect me........and with the peace and joy that only he can give.........

these past two weeks have brought tears of sorrow and tears of joy to my eyes.........almost daily.........i am overwhelmed by what god can do..........

think about your past

2010-11-16T19:52:00.000-05:00

i wish i could be more consistent with writing. i like it.

anyway......

this is what i was thinking today:

i do not reflect enough on the past. we are always told (especially as christians who have turned away from the old, and moved on to the new) to look forward, have faith....have hope....don't dwell on the past.

well.

we need to do it sometimes. yes. it's painful. yes. it's baggage. yes. it really rots sometimes. especially when your baggage is rotten garbage.

BUT.....for once today, i sat in my car during my lunch break at work....in the cold rain.....eating my lunch. i love doing that. it's quiet. i'm alone. i look forward to it. i think.

this is what i did: i thought about the past. the ugly past. the past i cannot change but which has made me who i am. it also reminded me that yes, a lot of things are really crappy BUT....a lot of things have gotten better. if we do not reflect on the past we cannot see how far we have come. if we are always focused on what god might do, or what we hope he does, we cannot see what he has already done. i don't do that enough.....he HAS done some healing in us. he HAS given us some peace. he HAS blessed us.

i'll be honest though....most days i'm not happy with it.....i want more. i want EVERYTHING fixed. i not only want it fixed, i want it better than it was before.....there's that little part of me that creeps up...a lot...and whispers....you've come so far as a person, you deserve more.... ha ha ha ha.....i taunt god with my rationale.....ugh....i digress....

so here it is: i'm thankful beyond words that i'm not who i used to be, i miss what i had....meaning things mostly... but i had it as a person i do not want to ever be again....i regret and will never be able to fix how i've made those who i love become people who they probably wish they weren't....but i really don't think god is finished with any of us yet....and i'm sure in another few years....maybe just months or weeks....i'll look back and say...."wow, i'm glad i'm not who i was on november 16 anymore....i've come so far...."

don't want to

2010-10-06T08:08:00.000-04:00

i just don't want to. i want to wake up tomorrow and have so many things be different. is it too much to ask to have a few less worries in life? is it too much to ask to have something go right? really?
i'm tired of feeling so discouraged that it just takes the life right out of me. i am actually afraid that the "next" thing will send me over the edge. i can't take anymore. i don't care about all the cliches that say this kind of stuff just makes us stronger....builds character....blah blah blah....i am just tired of it all.

maybe i'm just weak......

if you are out there god....and i know you are.....i know you know me....can't you just throw us a bone?

people

2010-08-12T13:32:00.000-04:00

i keep telling myself i'm quitting facebook. i'll post on twitter a bunch, then take a peek at facebook......i can't help myself.....i end up commenting, updating, liking, uploading....i'm a pathetic facebook addict.
......the problem with facebook is the people....there are a lot of cowardly passive aggressive people on facebook, and i'm just overly sensitive enough to let them ruin my day......i can hide them. that's what i'll do....but i still inevitably check their page. what is it with me? am i a glutton for being annoyed? do i like it? sometimes i even wonder why i post and update on there. i find that my facebook persona is definitely the happier side of me. my blogging persona is the real me, i think? or is my twitter persona the real me??? hmmmm.....i hope the in person me is the real me actually.....but who interacts in person anymore? i don't even like talking on the phone much anymore...........sigh............

i think i should just start my entries with "hello jessica" from now on..................she knows the real me wherever i am......i think....... ;)

hurting

2010-08-11T08:23:00.000-04:00

I have learned now that while those who speak about one's miseries usually hurt, those who keep silence hurt more. C.S. Lewis

i read this on my twitter page this morning and it hit me hard....sometimes the obvious has to be put into words...there are a lot of genuinely hurting people...right around me.....sometimes the loudest cry for encouragement is the silent one.

drafts

2010-08-10T08:42:00.001-04:00

ha! i have nine drafts that i haven't posted. funny. i think i'm realizing that i'm a little more tentative about posting my thoughts in these past years.........

anyhoo..........back to my yukky coffee....

diversions

2010-08-10T08:40:00.000-04:00

birth.______________________________________________________________________death.

there it is. life. you are born. you die. but most people don't have that straight line........i think we all divert off the path at some point. we all do. i think we learn from the diversions. or at least we should.

my diversions have made me who i am today. good. bad. ugly. beautiful. whatever. i think i'm finally on a straight line again. it took a good chunk of my life though. it's a sobering place to be however, when you realize that you've arrived at a better place at the expense of many people. bittersweet. most days i don't like it.

ugh. i made my coffee too weak. i hate that.

odyssey

2010-08-05T06:11:00.000-04:00

i had a dream i was at a party. there were tons of celebrities there. i started asked them for donations because my honda odyssey is falling apart and we need to move to a better area. it was going well.
until i woke up.

i'm trusting that god can do these things.....especially if alec baldwin and paris hilton will in my dreams....ha ha....

happiness = cupcakes

2010-08-04T07:37:00.001-04:00

i figured it was time for a happy, positive post.

taking emily and donna to georgetown today. we are going to georgetown cupcakes.

the end.

pieces

2010-07-19T14:29:00.001-04:00

sometimes it hits me. things won't be the same. things can't be the same. it's really hard. all the things i miss and want back.
the things that were taken.
the things that were given up.....willfully....accidentally....selfishly....ignorantly...

it's a huge puzzle that won't ever be complete again. unfinished. messed up. ugly.

4 years
9 months
5 days
4 hours

i will never be able to go back. never be able to heal the wounds. never.

because i threw pieces away.

sitting by the pool.

2010-06-30T14:47:00.001-04:00

sitting by the pool. no humidity. 78 degrees. i like this. a lot.
now if i could just magically have dinner make itself....

stuff on my mind

2010-06-11T06:21:00.001-04:00

will gwen and emily raise their support?
will my house ever stay organized?
we're out of milk.
i wonder when i'll get a new wedding band.
are any bills late?
yes.
how much longer will my transmission last?
i'm really glad it's friday.
i have a severe mouse phobia.
i really should be showering right now.
audrey is up too early.
it's field day today.
i wonder when we'll be able to relax and enjoy life more.
audrey is yelling "something is stuck in the toilet"......

good bye.

broken circle

2010-06-11T06:20:00.001-04:00

had to get my wedding ring cut off yesterday.
wow.
that was harder than i thought it would be........

some things are just way to symbolic.

2010-05-20T11:07:00.000-04:00

sin.

what are the worst sins?
they are all the same in god's eyes?
possibly.

well, they certainly aren't in the eyes of people. oh, sure....little white lies are most definitely not a big deal compared to murder. gossip isn't so bad compared to child abuse. fornication is practically acceptable next to adultery. nowadays it almost acceptable to break most of the commandments. i've broken almost all of them. i don't think people care about the commandments anymore. i think people care about themselves. and by people i mean christians. because most people who aren't christians, that i've met, care more about others than the "christians" i know.

wow. yes. i'm cynical. unfortunately it seems to be getting worse instead of better. i ask god over and over for answers. not to big questions, but simple ones. if you think about it......every question is probably a simple one for god. we make them big.

i asked him to heal this killer migraine i got last night. it got progressively worse until i decided to call in to work. something i rarely do. why didn't he just heal it? is there some big lesson to be learned by me suffering with a migraine?

oh, back to sin.......yeah, so what is sin anymore? i'm just curious. because the way i see it.....the people that live in sin....and "give god glory" for things randomly.....seem to make out pretty well.
just saying............

looking for the balance..........if there is any.

2010-05-15T18:41:00.000-04:00

today:
got up and watched many hours of television. i'm really sorry i wasted one of two days off that i get every week.

i wish i had something exciting to say.

2010-05-14T23:43:00.000-04:00

i wonder how many posts i'll start before i actually post something.

i've written three so far. and deleted them all. i don't even know if people read this anymore....oh, sorry jess, i know you do. i think i want someone to listen? i've been chatting w/god (i say chatting because most days it's a short conversation, i do most of the talking, and it's on the go. that's more of a chat, right?) anyway...we've, i've been chatting with, at him, and i'm feeling like he's kind of watching me. nodding like he kind of gets it but treating me like i treat my kids while i'm on the computer. like....i hear them talking, but it's more like blah blah blah. is it too much to ask to have a bone thrown our way?

okay. all i really want is what most people consider normal living. basic necessities. peace. i don't feel like being preached at either. or have people quote bible verses out of context to me. I GET IT. i know what god expects, and wants.....although it seems it doesn't apply to everyone sometimes. some people treat others like crap, and cruise through life. some people make the same mistakes OVER AND OVER and still seem to be rewarded for it.

maybe i shouldn't post at midnight. my mind is racing and it needs to get out. this is usually my dream time. how sad that my blog is a bunch of rambling nothingness. oh well. i'm not making people read it.

okay god. this is my request. on this 14th day of may, emily's birthday. i'd like you to somehow in your omnipotent way, fix it so this will happen. i want dale to have a new job. i want my son to have a new job. i'd like you to provide a car for my son. i'd really love to move out of this drug ridden neighborhood full of criminals, neglectful parents and nasty neighbors. i want us to be out of debt. i want my kids to love and serve you. i'd like you to prepare their spouses for them. people that love you too. i want everything fixed that got broken. i'm not kidding. i know you can do it. you've parted the red sea. raised your son from the dead. and will split the sky one day and return. you have the power to flip our lives right side up again. can you please?

thanks. we are looking forward to telling everyone about it soon. oh, and i will. i'll refer them to this post. :)

that's all for now.

2010-04-21T17:22:00.000-04:00

...........i'm really happy for the most part..........regardless of how some of my writings come across.

i'd just like a few things to change/improve, so if you are the praying type......when you are praying....can you just mention that to god? "god, yeah, um, the swinburnes are looking for some stuff to change/improve....can you work on that?"

thanks.

2010-04-21T17:13:00.000-04:00

ps.......

wow. i read through a lot of my old posts.........it's nice to realize that i've grown and am not so cynical and jaded..........okay, i am a little cynical and jaded. ;)

2010-04-21T17:06:00.001-04:00

i miss blogging. i actually forgot how to post.

i'm annoyed with people in general so i figured i'd get it out of my system. it's very possible i am one or all of the things i'm about to complain about, but never the less....(is that one word?)....i will rant.

it's christians really. you see, people who don't consider themselves "born again", live their lives the way they want to.....sometimes in a more godly way than christians.....they don't worry about following the legalistic ways of their church, they don't concern themselves with church at all really. sigh......i'm just tired of lukewarm christians. i'm beginning to think that most christians just want a pass out of hell, and aren't really interested at all in pleasing god, or winning others to christ.

i know. a lot of you will say........"you're one to talk".............i don't really care. i've made many mistakes, and still will. but i do believe that people who have hit rock bottom have something in them.........an intuition? a sensitivity? i don't know. maybe it's just a realization of what real unconditional love is? especially after true repentance takes place.

i guess if i had the guts i'd just go up to the people who i'm judging, ha, yeah, that's what it boils down to.........and say, "get off your high horse and do something with your christianity. there are people i know who are not christ followers that are kinder, more generous, happier, more patient, and less proud than you."

time to make dinner.

2007-06-15T14:52:00.001-04:00

ask me about 'M'.....

2007-06-13T10:29:00.001-04:00

read this on a friends blog.....

The 'Following Jesus' Manifesto

January 7, 2007
[rhymes with kerouac]

Stop talking about Jesus. Just stop. If we loved the people around us half as much as we say we love Jesus the rest of this manifesto would be entirely redundant.
Live a secret life. Invest the time, effort and vulnerability necessary to delve deeply into the scripture and prayer. Spend long periods of time in stillness. There is no shortcut to this, there is no other way. Without a deep and secret life we soon find ourselves talking about Jesus instead of being like Jesus.
Stop pretending. I'm a Christian, and I suck. So do you. Let's get that out of the way, shall we?
Give more than you get. There will always be more than enough.
Be present for those around you. Following Jesus has nothing to do with your work, your resume or your income. In fact, nothing that matters does.
Treasure broken-ness. Our broken places are sacred spaces in our heart. Honour them. Value them. In doing so you love the unlovely, publicly declaring the beauty of God's image in everyone. Greet the broken with comfort and cool water.
Throw a party.
Know Jesus well enough to recognize him on the street. This is rather important, because he can always be found on the street - and he usually looks more like a pan-handler than a preacher.
Accept ingratitude and abuse as a fixed cost. Embrace them, and then go the extra mile.
If you follow Jesus, you will anger religious people. This is how you will know.

Article originally appeared on Daily Life in a Homeless Shelter (http://mission.squarespace.com/).

2007-06-07T10:01:00.000-04:00

...there's a new class of people in this world....it's probably been around for a long time, but it has become more obvious to me because i'm part of it now....they are the broken, jaded, cynical, hurting 'former church goers'.....but, they are still followers of christ......the problem with this group is that they don't know where they belong......they feel either abandoned by their churches, or betrayed by their churches, or just disgusted by their churches.....um, former churches......over the past year or so, i've meet probably close to one hundred of these people...many who come to us with questions.....all still wanting to let their lights shine for christ......what is going on?.....with churches i mean?.....how in the world are we supposed to draw those who don't know christ toward HIM, when we are so concerned with church politics, or pleasing the big givers, or even not facing embarrassing sin issues......the problems that plague the church, aren't in the 'world', they are in the church....god help us

2007-05-24T13:51:00.000-04:00

i’ve been frustrated lately….frustrated that i don’t have goals….that i’m not focused……that i’m apathetic…..sometimes it’s tough to read these posts, here and at various other blogs……so many people have such exciting full lives…….my day so far has consisted of……my daily fight with my 6 year old, audrey, over skorts vs skirts……she wants to wear a skirt everyday but i won’t let her because she doesn’t know how to sit properly……….then, i entered my kitchen and there were ants EVERYWHERE……..in the midst of killing the ants with mop-n-glo because i couldn’t find anything else, audrey was freaking out because i wouldn’t let her have the snack she wanted……..then i couldn’t find my car keys so i had to call a neighbor to bring the girls to school…….they left, but not before audrey came up to me, squeezed me tight and said i’m sorry mom……..i hugged her back, and said good-bye…….it’s not easy, but for now, i’ll embrace it with everything i have because, this is what i do…….

2007-05-23T14:16:00.000-04:00

2007-05-18T10:29:00.001-04:00

.....17 and a half years in the making......
.........our son, dale, is graduating in 12 days......after 8 years of homeschooling, 3 and a half years of public school in rhode island, moving in the middle of 11th grade to a new school in maryland, moving the summer before his senior year to a new school in baltimore......i think he actually did it......might i add he did manage to squeeze in a couple of appearances on the honor roll as well.......it's so true that they grow up in a flash..........now if i can just keep my sanity for the next 11 years as i watch our 3 daughters attempt the same.............................................